But I want it, it's a crime
That she's not around most of the time
Way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine

Хорошо иметь человека, который будет держать тебя, пока ты колотишь стенку.

Большинство моих отношений проходило в моей голове. Теперь довольно странно видеть рядом человека, которому так же страшно, как и тебе.

I met you a year ago. Now it's all about conditionals.


The Zero Conditional

This conditional is used when the result will always happen. It's a fact. We're talking in general, not about one particular situation.

Example: If you meet guys on Tinder, you get new emotions you can write about on your blog

The First Conditional

It's used to talk about things which might happen in the future. Of course, we can't know what will happen in the future, but this describes possible things, which could easily come true.

Example: If I send you a message, I won't open my Facebook page for several weeks

The Second Conditional

It has two uses.

First, we can use it to talk about things in the future that are probably not going to be true. Maybe I'm imagining some dream for example.

Example: If I met you on the street, I would ask you about every detail of your life that I missed

Second, we can use it to talk about something in the present which is impossible, because it's not true. Is that clear? Have a look at the example:

If I had your number, I would call you to say how sorry I am for everything that happened (I don't have your number now, so it's impossible for me to call you)


The Third Conditional

It talks about the past. It's used to describe a situation that didn't happen, and to imagine the result of this situation.

Example: If I hadn't done what I had done, you would have dumped me anyway (at least, that's what I tell myself to get through the day. Sometimes the truth is too hard to accept)

Всё настолько плохо, что тебе понадобилось встретиться со мной?

- Хочу отметить, что у тебя интересные серьги.
- Спасибо.
- Заметь, я не сказал “красивые”.
- Заметь, красное пиво с рубашек отстирывается тяжело.
- Только не на галстук, это мой любимый.

- Ты уверена, что нам в ту сторону? This passage looks quite… unorthodox.
- Тебе-то что, ты же католик.

- Классный зонт, можно использовать в метро в качестве оружия.
- Я не пользуюсь метро.
- Ах, ну да, прости.
- Он не очень, удобный, я хотел купить побольше.
- Комплексы? Прости, это было слишком просто.


- Я и забыл, что у тебя зелёные глаза. Наверное, это не очень хорошо меня характеризует.
- Это никак тебя не характеризует. Память - отличная штука, отсекает всё ненужное и сохраняет всё важное.
- In that case I should have forgotten way more.

- Remember, it’s not a game.
- It always has been, why not now?
- Because you’ve just lost.

- Ладно, хочешь знать правду?
- As always.
- Неправильный ответ. Правильный - развернуться на 180 градусов и бежать.
- So you were saying…
- I was saying. The truth is, I am destroyed, sort of torn apart. That’s why I’m trying to meet with people who mean something to me. Чтобы собрать себя обратно, чтобы вспомнить, что я из себя представляла в разные периоды жизни. Технически это непросто, но ты же вот здесь.
- Всё настолько плохо, что тебе понадобилось встретиться со мной?
- Как видишь.


- We haven’t seen each other for three years and…
- Four years.
- Right. Anyway, we have… ну, я не назвала бы это общением.
- Да, навряд ли.
- Но более-менее человеческое отношение друг к другу. Насколько к тебе применимо слово “человеческое”, разумеется.
- Nice touch.
- Ладно, вопрос не в этом. Мы не друзья, мы даже не хорошие знакомые. So, why are you still here?
- I see that you need help.
- С каких пор ты помогаешь малознакомым людям?
- Во-первых, я бы не назвал тебя малознакомым человеком. Во-вторых, в отличие от многих людей, с которыми я общаюсь, I care about you.
- Please.
- Я серьезно.
- Весьма странно для человека, который посвящает львиную долю своего времени издевательствам над людьми.
- They are stable and fine. You, on the contrary, are not. Что всё-таки случилось?
- I keep being left by people that… Черт, я явно выбрала не того собеседника для подобных признаний, явно не того.
- Всё нормально. Иди сюда. Remember, you are stronger than you think.

- Слушай, как насчет встретиться, скажем, на следующих выходных? Consider this as investment.
- Investment of what ?
- Investment of your time in your well-being.
- Ну а ты здесь каким боком?
- Как заинтересованное лицо.

- So, thank you for your time.
- My time is at your service, any weekday after 7 PM and for a reasonable fee of 200 dollars.
- Бутылка вина явно выйдет дешевле.
- Алкоголь не поможет.

- Salut!
- Ты в курсе, что у тебя нет совести?
- Совесть? What is it, I don’t know the word.
- I’m pretty sure you don’t know the concept as well.

While waiting for you beside a monument (25 minutes, outrageous!), I am wondering what exactly I am doing here. Waiting for the person who clearly doesn’t care and never will? Deluding myself with memories and hopes? Going to a sports bar to watch our team failing again ?

Always with a wide disarming smile, you bastard. We go to Hooters - strange choice for somebody willing to see real Russian men drinking and shouting at the screen, but who am I to decide. Instead bearded alcoholics we see bearded middle-class men and curved waitresses (oh, you didn’t know the concept of the bar, did you?). No spare places, obviously.

I sit next to you and watch you from time to time. It’s hard not to: you are here, beside me, you haven’t changed a bit, except for a tan from bright sun of Kazakh steppes. And still, it’s too weird to see you in flesh and blood, finally. You ask some questions, get offended when I laugh hysterically and refuse to answer. Why bother, if you disappear as quickly as you came?

…

- How are you ? How is work ?
- Seriously ?
- Yes, I’m interested, why ?
- Because you are not.

...

- Okay, then tell me what do you want?
- I am realistic, you see. We are not girlfriend and boyfriend, obviously. Several years ago I tried to build a relationship on the distance, but we lasted one year and it was hard. How can we build something together if we are so far from each other. I come like once in three months, and since we know each other, I need to start all over again. It’s pretty unusual. So, I appreciate you, but I am not sure about what we can reach. And what about you, what do you want?
- Does it matter?
- Sure, why?
- Well, you have certainly made up your mind, you are an adult, I don’t believe my will can change anything.
- Well, you can always say that I am stupid, I don’t know anything and that you want to try.

...
- I’m twenty seven and I thought I finally could understand women!
- Not a chance.
- None.
- But that’s good. You need something challenging in your life.
- Sure, and you are fucking challenging.
...

- I only saw you open once, when we were drinking at that salsa bar. I don’t remember it quite clear, but I do remember asking you to stay at my place like five times.
- Yeah, I remember that. You even told me you would behave yourself.
- Like hell, I wanted to sleep with you.
- Oh, what a surprise.

...
- I want to admit something. For about an hour I ferociously want to kiss you, but I don’t want you to think that I’m pushing you.
- For god’s sake, I’m like fifteen again. I spend a whole lot of time with my thoughts about you, I don’t need to be pushed.
...

Love and hate are really close. For example, you don’t love me, but I see how sometimes you hate me.

...

One hundred and twenty seconds, that’s crazy for a traffic li…
I can never predict that moment, when you suddenly look down at me, bend swiftly and kiss me. Each time I don’t believe my eyes and my skin, fading away and giving up with little flashlights before my closed eyes. This time you hold me tight and don’t let go. Two minutes - relatively little time, especially for moments like this.

When I open the door and enter, you are talking about the links between Russian politics and sport. You get distracted, turn your head and something flickers in your eyes. I don't have time to analyze it, the moment is too brief, but I keep that in mind till the end of the lecture.

("My intuition somehow told me that you would come, but I didn't have expectations, cause you weren't there when my lecture began. When I saw you, it was like "Wow, she came! Oh, stop it, you should focus!")

There are no spare chairs, so I sit on a window sill. Fortunately, by the way, cause it's quite low and people's backsides don't let me see you very often. I'm listening to your voice, occasionally look at your hands and eyes. Sometimes I get distracted and forget to follow the subject, cause it's too hard not to remember these very hands holding me three months ago. Closer to the end a girl stands up and leaves, bringing her excuses to you. I take her seat, trying to create a question in a Q&A session. Everybody's already asked theirs when I start to unfold mine in broken French. I see you desperately trying to follow my thought, then with a relief tapping something on your keyboard. You almost don't look at me while answering, and thanks for that, actually.

You approach me in the hall, where I dumbly stare at book covers and listen to your colleagues laughing at your jokes. "Salut! Привет! Как дела?"- you smile happily. Oh, small talk, please, not you. We exchange some senseless phrases and you admit you have a dinner with your friend, so sorry, see you tomorrow. And I don't do it intentionally, but the way to subway doesn't have a lot of options, so for ten minutes I follow your white backpack and a red coat of the girl beside you. I feel like I am seventeen again, watching the guy I love walking with my best friend. Years pass, but people don't change. So sorry. See you tomorrow.

-You shouldn't think like that, you are beautiful.

Et je regarde encore une fois
Dans le mirroir, je ne trouve pas
De quoi te plaire

Alors j'ecris tes mots sans voix
Pour oublier que je n'ai pas
De quoi te plaire

Or when people break up, they always use a bunch of lines on each other, you know, terrible rubbish lies, like "It’s not you, it’s me, it’s me." It’s NEVER you, it’s always them! You should level with these people! Tell them! "You know that strange sound you used to hear when you were going to sleep? That was me CHEWING the bed, out of sheer boredom! OOOOHH, How I HATE you, I hate you so much it gives me energy! I have to get up early in the morning to hate you because there isn’t time enough in the day. Please, GO AWAY!" Or that other BULLSHIT: "I need more space!" People never quantify exactly how much space they really need.. do they? But strangely enough, it always seems to be the exact same height, depth and breadth as you.

Dylan Moran

- I never knew my grandparents from mother's side.
- How is so?
- They killed themselves before I was born.

<...>

- I should go.
- Okay, I will go with you.
- But you can stay here, you know, dance, pick up girls and stuff.
- Oh, I surely can. I know how this works, I will just go there, dance for a while, then say Привьет, я француз, и немного потерялся and they all will be like Oh, come here, poor animal.
- So you're a professional, lovely.
- Yeah. But not this time.

- I really hate quarreling and arguing. It makes me too uncomfortable. What are you laughing at?
- Nothing, I've just thought... Well, when we met, I thought that you could be very cold in quarrels, like ready-for-battles cold. You look very strong, you know.

Oh, I wish.